Stephen Colbert opens his report with a newsweek cover, he then probes into the slavery side of Confederate Month, leads a conversation about fast-food in afghanistan and cupcakes in Germany, before finally wondering if nature could ever be gay.
To kick it all off, the host holds up the NewsWeek cover that displays the words “America’s Back!” over a patriotic background. He supports the celebration, happily announcing the news that the Dow Jones closed above 11,00 for the first time since September 2008. And even though he isn’t quite sure what that means, his trusty financial advisor, Gorlock, assures him in a new book, “To Serve the Investor,” that it’s best for Stephen to just “relax and fatten up.”
In other news, Governor Robert Mcdonald of Virginia decides to call April, Confederate History Month. Stephen creates a new bumper sticker, “VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS of embarrasing moments in American History,” which brings him It him to the Word: Slavery. In the snippet, Stephen discusses how some southerners consider slavery as an insignificant issue. They want to merely focus on states rights, which just so happen to include slave ownership in certain regionns. As Alexander Stephens so elegantly phrased it: “[The Confederacy’s] corner-stone rests upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery — subordination to the superior race –is his natural and normal condition.” By the end of The Word, Stephen tells everyone to strip the hateful word of its meaning, as he begins referring to everyone in the audience as his “slave-uhs” (as in slaver, or someone who owns slaves.)
The episode moves into a discourse on the fast food ban in afghanistan, and a burger king commercial depicting a crazy King, which lead Stephen to believe that food advertisers are in fact lunatics; he goes on to cite the campaigns for Coco Puffs, Almond Joys/ Mounds, and the KFC Double-Down Sandwich as further proof of commercial craziness. Then he transitions into a story about Germany turning down Mcdonald’s line of American cupcakes, after their citizens continue to prefer their own native bavarian pastries, (like the “Nussbeugerl.” ) Desperate to show Germany the good stuff, Stephen invites German Ambassador of the UN, Hanz Bienholdt, to come in and try a cupcake. After explaining the bizarre item to the Ambassador, the German representative decides that he doesn’t like “cuppit ckaes”, though he does openly admit that he’s done many unforgivable things for a Klondike Bar.
The episode closes with a discussion about ‘They Gay,” an article in The New York Times by the straight-human, Jon Mooallem. It discusses whether or not animals can be homosexual. And, as it turns out, it’s difficult to tell; however, studies have reported that one third of a studied population of Albatross have actually paired off in lesbian couples. Stephen doesn’t get much evidence to swing either ways, so he swings alittle in both directions.